when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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