Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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