I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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