I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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