so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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