my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Did I show you my penis last night?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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