my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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