I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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