i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
FUCK WHALES
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
