Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize