If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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