We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
