hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You can't special order awesome
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
