I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
