I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
