im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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