you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
