Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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