On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please come you make the beer taste better
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
