i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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