the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
