I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
