I could make wine with my vomit
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
