Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
