bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
