I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
