Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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