Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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