thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
