I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
