First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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