Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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