I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We got so high we made milksteak
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
