apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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