it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
