I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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