Someone shit on the floor
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
