I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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