I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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