didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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