All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I was not drunk enough for that final.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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