ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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