Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
