I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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