Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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