ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
