If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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