I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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