Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
