Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Me too!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize