im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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