well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize