sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
