youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
