I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
