we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
