it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Randomize
