I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
