i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
