My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
