Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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